Yesterday we learned that Mr. Talking Bolt-Head had promised to reveal his secret for “losing weight and getting bulked”, but in a cheap, pandering move to get more hits on the blog the author wisely decided to keep that information back until today. Never waste a good gimmick, at least not if you’ve ever seen a William Castle film. Anyway, because so many people have a hard time losing weight (like Loretta there) I thought I would, once and for all, reveal the ultimate secret that we heard about yesterday.
ZOMBIES are the secret! That’s right; Loretta is on the right track, she just doesn’t know it. Zombies will force her to do the ultimate Crossfit workout, a true workout based on exercise and panicked running – this is eat less, move more at its finest, and is sure to gladden the hearts of Michelle Obama and Marion Nestle. Of course, from the zombies’ point of view, it is move less, eat more, zombies being the ideal exemplars of weight loss; who ever heard of a fat zombie? With them it’s always about calories in, but it never seems to do any good. As a matter of fact, the hospitality industry has noticed this and is now servicing zombies as a new market, with events and publications galore – some of them undoubtedly taking place conveniently near you. Events like this one, managed by the first (and biggest) zombiecon organizer. It’s still the king:
Between being chased by zombies and learning to eat like they do you’re virtually assured of losing weight; this is a real growth industry, especially given that their ranks are increasing all the time; membership is pretty easy. In point of fact, for zombies, the trick is gaining weight, not losing it. What works for us works the opposite way for them, so you can see how it might get interesting. (They are, after all, dead, and things change. Metabolisms change, hair styles change – heck, VACATIONS have a whole new meaning when you’re a corpse.)
But just as those of us in the Living world tend to eat the wrong way, with our industrial food emphasizing carbohydrates and low fat meals, the zombies (who seem to get everything wrong if you watch the movies) have gotten it backwards again: they are trying to gain weight by eating low carb, high fat meals, even going so far as to attend special jamborees to help explain the theory (and to make lots of money for the exhibitors). Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, n’est pas? So listen, children, this is what you must do when you see a zombie: always do the exact opposite.
Some of the more recent zombie authors seem to have started to figure this out, so we’ve had newer books like Why We Get Dead by Gary Tombes, The Big Splat Surprise by Nina Takeholdz, or Denise Hunger’s Death In The Food Pyramid. For the enlightened zombies reading these books there is hope, too:
Of course, the zombie market is large and diversified, with more than just jamborees – there’s a whole world of publishing, television and net media to consider. In fact, the latter two are such big subjects I plan on tackling them later in separate articles, but when you talk about publishing, the 2000 pound dead gorilla in the room is the LCZJ house mag:
That’s it for today. Greets to the new visitors the site is getting from the Russian Federation and Belarus; welcome, and say hello! For the rest of you, stay young and monstrous.