New York – The McDonald’s and Monsanto corporations announced today that they have reached agreement on terms leading to a merger of the two industry leaders. The new entity, to be called “McSanto’s”, will be a “complete top-to-bottom market-streaming food payload delivery system of unparalleled depth covering a full spectrum age demographic”, according to analyst Jeffrey Spottiswode of Scientists Helping Industrial Litigation Licensing. “We have been examining the proposed merger for some time and I am satisfied that the real beneficiary of the deal will be the consumer, who will have better access to food choices than she has ever had at any time in history.”
Both companies’ stock prices rose slightly on the announcement.
The news couldn’t have come at a better time; there have been problems in the past. On May 3, 2007 Monsanto was dealt a judicial setback when a court in San Francisco ruled that the USDA’s 2005 approval of its genetically engineered “Roundup Ready” alfalfa was illegal, the first time the company has been handed such a reversal. McDonald’s has recently been in the news because of adverse public reactions to one of its new kids’ meal items; the genetically engineered Smorgasbird (the ads’ tagline is “Every part is edible”) has proved a difficult sell, in part due to the footage of projectile diarrhea featured in the sixteen now famous YouTube videos.
McSanto’s has bold plans for future movement: the introduction of Roundup Ready Fries, which will blend a friendly western image with the ability to resist the world’s most common herbicide; Harpy Meals, the reformulated (“safer than ever”) version of the Smorgasbird-derived food product system; Malted Meatballs, the first actual meat product synthesized from petroleum; rBeST sHakes, the new line of bovine growth hormone dairy drinks, and most intriguing of all, the retirement of an old friend, Ronald McDonald.
The beloved ad mascot will be making way for a pair of fun loving logotypes; McSanto Claus will take over much of Ronald’s current duties vis-à-vis food marketing and children’s PR functions, while the Happy Pharmer is being introduced “as a way to help them to trust the brand at a younger age while still communicating solid information to adults”, according to company spokesperson Shirleen Inkerton. “With McSanto Claus the kids will know it’s Christmas all year round”, while the Happy Pharmer will be giving PowerPoint presentations on free DVDs which accompany the meals. “We got the idea from Al Gore, and just look what it did for him!” said Shirleen.
Each personality will also be sold as Nag-ems, edible plastic action figures carefully researched for their so-called “nag factor”, or the ability to get kids to pester on demand. Nag-ems are the fastest growing item in the current McSanto hierarchy of action figures.
The move comes at a time when the industry faces more competition than ever before, especially as the organic movement takes off. Targeted niche marketers such as Burger Queen (organic choices for gays and lesbians) and Rat-In-The-Box (from Disney’s GenX-to-slacker marketing arm) have made inroads on fast food profits, while truly specialized venues such as Hank’s Booze & Shoots chain (tavern and firing range separated by the bar) have also siphoned off revenue.
McSanto’s also revealed today that it has acquired the infant formula brand Babes In Soyland as well as the chain of Leafy Rest assisted living communities and its subsidiary, Cenotaph, Incorporated – the second-largest mortuary concern in the state of California.
“Now they’ve got you,” laughs Spottiswode, the analyst. “Cradle to grave.”